Posted | Tuesday, October 21, 2003 | by Ron
I'm a web designer by day. I'm not sure by night. Usually looks like home repair, catching up with one of my kids at an activity, spending some time playing my keyboard ... singing a little.

I'm making some choices right now. Things have changed in my world in a big way. I lost my dad this summer. 83 years old ... but still this was unexpected. Dad was strong and hard working.

So I didn't ask, but my world is all different now. The change has occured. I'm at a cross roads of the dealing. Dealing with it.

So I guess, I'll have to "save the changes". It's a function I deal with everyday at the close of business. When I power down my computer it asks me "do you want to save the changes?" ... and I have to answer. Not answering isn't an option. I've got to answer. Save, Don't Save, Cancel ...

My friend peepod let me listen to his Switchfoot CD ... And these are the hymn writers for my grandkids ... I hope ...

Stuff like ...

"this is your life ... are you who you want to be?"
"yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead ... it's a promise that you've broken ... this is your life, are you who you want to be?"

And now I've have to deal.

Do I want to save the changes?

Here are somethings that have been changing in my world since loosing my dad:
(Some good, some arn't really good at all ... )

1. The organized church that use to bug me so much has come to my aid.
2. My daughters have learned to trust God right before my eyes.
3. I've learned a few hymns ... "the servant song" one of them ...
4. My passion for web development is wavering in wake of my rekindeled calling.
5. My passion to fix up this old house is not just wavering ... it's gone.
6. The coffee is more about the conversation and less about the coffee.
7. I've been up late at night ... not worring ... wresteling.
8. I'm almost never hungery
9. I think about my sister Gloria everyday.
10. I read less of the bible ... more often.
11. I talk less to God ... listen more.
12. I've cryed about my dad until my head ached. Many times.
13. I've talked about my dad ... that's been good.
14. I've considered working in a church environment for the first time in years.
15. Get over aruments quicker ... but still have them
16. I take my hat off during prayer
17. Realized that I'm really going to die someday.
18. Hoped that I will go to heaven when that happens
19. Played softball with my brother Bill. Talk to him more often.
20. Realized how much I need God. I just really need God.

... there's a bunch more.
I don't want to ... but I've got to ...
Save the Changes ...

Posted | Monday, October 13, 2003 | by Ron
I fall so short. I fall so short of the glory of God.

For as much as I complain about the condition of "the world", and crime ...

I fall so short.

I can't communciate what's in my head, my heart. I can't put words on the ocean of feelings I have. Of the hopes I have for what it means to be a family ... for what it means to know God ... to be different because of knowing God ...

I fall short.

I can say. I love my kids, my wife ... words ... words are worthless if you fall short ... if you don't back it up with who you are ... worthless.

I fall short ...

... when I'm tired. I'm tired.

I fall short.

I need God, because I fall short.

The decisions that are before me are bigger than I am. I don't have the resources ... the knowledge ... to know what to do.

God, if you read blogs ... I need your help tonight. I'm alone with this ... There's no Dad to run to ... there's no place to hide. Just me and forever.

Switchfoot ... "this is your life, are you who you want to be?"

Being is first becoming ... and I hate it.

I hate that I had to lose my Dad to come face to face with all of this ... this calling ... this incapability ...

And yes the right answer is that "it's all up to God" ... the right answer.

I just need God. Really bad, I need God.

He is faithful.

Posted | Saturday, October 04, 2003 | by Ron
There's a difference between Guilt and the Holy Spirits Conviction

Guilt will paralyze you. The Holy Spirits conviction will move you to things you can't do ... alone. And yes, I believe with all my heart that there is a difference between guilt and the Holy Spirits conviction.

And I do believe that guilt has a place. But it's not to be imposed on the tip of my well polished fake fingure nail.

If I'm all about me. I think imposing guilt on people is a really cool gig. I mean look at it. It gives me a feeling of control ... sometimes I win before the conversation/argument even starts because any other opinion wouldn't be "godly".

The other side of this journaling tantrum is ...
If I can simply let my focus be
1. My need of God
2. It's compeling me to encouage & help others

I believe the power of God get's to be inchage of leading people to himself by the leading of his hope filled Holy Spirit.

When I'm lead, convicted by the Holy Spirit ...
1. I know what's in my life is wrong ... pointed fingure no longer required
2. I know it can be different ... there's hope ... It's all about the hope!
3. An opportunity to act on my will to submit to God and his Lordship arrises
4. I see it's bigger than anything I can fix myself ... It totally requires God, his grace ... Jesus.
5. I realize I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I was ... I'm not sure what order these should be in ... #5 realized